Communication Skills that Create Clarity, Connection, and Confidence - Jefferson Fisher
The Top Communication Advice of the Year: Best of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Learn how to respond effectively to rude, belittling, or dishonest comments with advice from the Jefferson Fisher podcast. Discover techniques like the "Did you mean...?" approach, using strategic silence, and trusting your gut when something feels off. Plus, get tips on avoiding over-explaining to communicate clearly.
Key points covered:
Handling rude and passive-aggressive remarks
Responding to belittling comments and comparisons
Spotting potential lies and reacting appropriately
Communicating clearly and concisely
Responding to Rude Comments
Action Step: When someone makes a rude comment, begin your response with "Did you mean...?" followed by a question about their intent (e.g., "Did you mean for that to sound rude?"). This gives them a chance to clarify and potentially backtrack. This also works well in text or email communication.
Action Step: For passive-aggressive rude comments, ask questions that check them and encourage them to elaborate, such as "It sounds like there's more to that" or "It sounds like you're having a hard day". This pulls them out of their indirect approach.
Action Step: Your personal favorite response to a rude comment can be absolute silence for about four seconds. This conveys that you heard and evaluated the comment but deemed it unworthy of a response. Imagine placing the rude comment on a "council desk" and choosing not to engage with it.
Key Concept: Responding rudely back justifies the other person's behavior and escalates the situation into a "losing game".
Responding to Belittling Comments
Action Step: Make them say the belittling comment again. Ask "Can you repeat that?" or "Say that again for me". This disrupts their momentum and can make them reconsider what they said. They might be unwilling or unable to repeat it, or they might rephrase it.
Action Step: Ask questions of intent, such as "Did you intend to embarrass me?" or "Did you want that to hurt me?". This shifts the focus back to their motivation and can lead to an apology or backtracking.
Action Step: If the person continues or confirms their negative intent, respond with silence. This can be a powerful way to show that their words have no effect on you.
Action Step: If someone at work compares you to something in a negative way, stay calm and do not laugh it off. Instead, ask questions like "Did you say that to embarrass me?" or ask them to repeat the comment.
Responding to Someone Who Might Be Lying
Action Step: Take a pause and say, "I need to come back to this conversation" or "I need to think about this". Liars tend to dislike delays.
Action Step: Say "Something feels off". Truthful people will likely engage to understand, while liars may overreact and become defensive. Be aware of potential gaslighting.
Action Step: Respond with 10 to 15 seconds of silence. Liars may become uncomfortable and start to talk, potentially revealing inconsistencies.
Key Indicator: A significant overreaction and defensiveness when you gently challenge a statement can be a sign of dishonesty.
Caution: Be aware that people might elaborate or over-explain for reasons other than lying.
Advice for When You Tend to Over-Explain
Action Step: When answering a question, give the direct answer (yes/no or the specific fact) first, and then follow up with an explanation if needed. This prevents the appearance of delaying or hiding the truth.
Action Step: If a question is not a simple yes or no, state that and offer to explain further (e.g., "That's not a yes or no question for me. Can I explain?").
